September 29, 1998 a Memory Made

Today I sat at work and it hit me how on this day, back in '98, I met Bear. I even smile to this day. We had alot more downs than up. I admit, there are times I did wish we could do a 'do over'--yet it finally did hit me: the the past is the past, and it can't be changed.

Too bad at times.

Bear was, and still is a handsome guy. I think more now than when I met him those 12 years ago. Our season wasn't to be what I wanted: together, married and kids. It became more instead to plant seeds in each other. It took me a long time to be OK with knowing someone else may reap that harvest from the seeds I planted.

I wonder if Bear thinks the same of me?

For a while we drifted in and out of each other's life, while dancing with others. We just seem to always float back to one another. Never really could make it stick. Blamed each other for our mess up. Then enough was finally enough. The cycle had to finally be broken. We both had to grow up and away.

Can't do over.

Yet, some memories do still make me smile.

And for that: Happy Anniversary.

Calm Before Friday

Things are calm after yesterday's floods and tornadoes--remnents from Hurricane Hermine. I could go on, like I think I saw Movie Man in the Wal-mart parking lot walking to he store, while I looked for a parking spot. I wonder if it really was. We've not seen him since December. Yes, I could talk about a Season of Separation.

I really don't want to.

I could go on how I have to write some 2100 word paper for school due in a week, about my Personal Model of Helping.....my what? Yea, I gotta learn what that is.

Really don't want to talk about that either.

I could go on about New Orleans Saints and Minnesota Vikings played the first game of this new NFL season tonight, yet the REAL first NFL game of the season is between the Dallas Cowboys and Washington Redskins Sunday night.

Hmm. Well---maybe, but I don't wanna talk about that either---yet.

What I will say, the calm is after the storm.

It's almost Friday and I gotta have Bob Seger tell me about "Hollywood Nights"

Toast of Tuesday

That's what my Blue Bell Peaches and Homemade Ice Cream will be--

Just a smidge of an update. Yesterday, I wrote about how Bear's, my ex, Facebook page said he was married. Then by the time I came home last night Bear's page was gone. There's also been no response to my text. of congrats. I am still kinda sorta surprise I've heard nothing, yet I'm kinda sorta not. I just hope Bear's happy.

Ya know, in recent times, two relationships meant alot to me. Bear and Movie Man, another I'd posted about. They were/are two totally different men yet more alike than I realized. If there was way to merge em together, I'd have the most perfect man--well, except Bear hated cats and Movie Man liked them, but was allergic. So the 'perfect man' would need to like cats and take allergy pills or shots--

I digress.

These two knew of each other. Bear and Movie Man even met. We all laughed and it was a fun moment in time. We even tried to start our own writers' group--which just lasted one time. I still have the papers they wrote that one and only time. They may have been jealous of each other in a dizzy kind of way. Bear and Movie Man both knew what one man gave me, the other man wouldn't or couldn't.

The main thing is I loved them both. And now both are out of my life. For awhile, actually. When enough was enough of me being mad at myself (not them) for my actions, I realized it was time to close the chapter. If we should ever cross paths again, we'd have our past and it's OK to visit--I just can't stay there. We would basically start all over to know each other now. And realize it all can't be like before. I would get made at myself all over again...

My smidge became more of a smudge.

Oh well.

Blue Bell Peaches and Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream makes a smidge, smudge smile-

So 'cuse me, my bowl awaits to runneth over!

Bittersweet Monday Moment

I'm a Facebook fiend. I admit it. Once was a doubter-now I'm not. Granted, I do not play Farmville or any of the games. In fact, I 'hide' the messages I get of others playing them. I like the fact chums I've know in every phase of my life, from kindergarten until now are my 'friends' there. Nice to keep in touch, however not every one really does.

They get on Facebook for just a moment--kinda like Bear. I'd mentioned him before. A man, I had a history with and unfortunately no future. We drifted always back to each other. Never quite sure why. Never really had a boyfriend/girlfriend thing even when we did date, so many years ago.

In recent times, the only time we had conversation was at church. A usual hug, some chat and occasional say "let's do coffee" and we never did. Bear started IBOC in the late 90's. We'd split up alot by then and I thought the whole church thing was a phase he was going thru. Let's just say I knew Bear , when we were both "in the world". My awakening didn't happen until 2003, and at the time Bear and I weren't even speaking.

Anyway, the whole point I'm making, our relationship was a memory or two of a past, civil conversation today, and not really any tomorrow. Well, on Facebook, I found out Bear changed his status to "married."

That woke me up at 6:05 this morning. Our relationship wasn't BFF status, yet I would think would Bear would tell me he was married. I mean, at church, text (which we'd done the week before), and has my phone numbers. How do I feel? There's a piece of me wonders if I'd done this or that different, maybe...just maybe...I've changed alot since Bear and I met those years ago. We never made time to know each more now. Maybe we just weren't suppose to.

Then I remember it does take two to the row the boat. My arms got tired. I forced alot of our relationship because I loved him and never planned to leave him. He could be vague at times and I just didn't get it. Denial, I'm sure. Even when the going stunk--I still felt we could work it out. Bear had qualities I longed for in a man--things I had missed in others.

So yea, Bear may have his Mrs. I did text him this morning to congrat him. I've not heard from him. When I got home, his Facebook Page was gone.

And so is the friendship that never really got a chance.

Bittersweet.

A Birthday

...and it's NOT mine...at least not yet! Nope. It's Bear's birthday. I won't say the number, except he's four years younger than yours truly. My reason for this post: I thought of Bear today. Wondered if he had a grand day (as birthdays should be) and if he ate some good cake.

I didn't call Bear to wish him happy tidings. Naw, I did the 21st Century way of doing things: I Facebook'd Bear and then text'd him. Use to be a day, I'd call Bear to wish him a good day, plus I'd take him out to eat.

Honestly, I considered to invited Bear out to dinner. Only had about enough money for one burger on Wendy's Value Menu. We could split it. :) But I wound up not doing it. Thought about it too much, I guess, hence I thought myself right out of it. Even tho I believe it woulda been fun over laughs and fight over the last french fry.

Maybe I'll have another chance to not think myself right out of it.

Maybe...

Seems

Like I missed yesterday so: Happy Belated St Patrick's Day everyone!

Instead of the partake of green ale--and I just recalled one year, I sipped on green screwdrivers-I spent St Patty's Day in a back room throwing out junk. Spring cleaning I guess. Quite over due--trust me. I'm not too sure which Spring I'm cleaning for!

Wouldn't call myself a 'hoarder' I just ignored this whole back bedroom. :) Began to search boxes--yes, boxes that have sit there since I moved into the house two years ago. Honestly, I'd gone thru the boxes and pulled out what I needed-yet never really put the contents in its one space. I recall when I began to pack up to move to this house, I told myself I would throw away what I didn't need once I got IN the house. Ironically, I closed on this house on March 17, 2008 and had no clue it would this long to get this done.

Amazed what I found like a VHS of "....when Harry Met Sally." I don't have a VCR hooked up to my DVR. Which goes back to this back bedroom plan I've had for...oh, two years...Put a futon, just in case for guests, and TV hooked up just for the VCR. And I want a treadmill in there too-for an ornament :)

Also found copies of the newspaper Bear had been editor for. I re-read a couple articles he wrote, and recalled how good a writer he is. Plus, I smiled, because I'd forgotten in those early days of Bear and the paper, he would send me his articles to edit. I got really jealous of Bear and the paper too, however that's another post!

Books I'd forgotten about. A good-bye card from co-workers when I left the company I'd been with for 9 1/2 years to go to the one I'll now be 7 years in June. My first photos of Donny Osmond, when when we both were 16. Photos of pets long since gone. Cards signed by my dad. In a photo album, of my late uncle's, there was a grocery store receipt of $17 from 1948, for his mom--my grandmother who died before I was born.

Lotsa stuff to relish in and lotsa stuff to get by the curb. So glad tomorrow is trash day.

And SO glad Blue Bell Tin Roof Ice Cream awaits...

March 11, 2006 was Saturday

This day in 2006, I still remained in the hospital. Had visitors in and out. My open heart surgery was scheduled for the upcoming Tuesday. Looking back, maybe they wanted to get in what they thought might be their last words to me. A friend, later on said, she thought they were going to lose me. Well, I had other plans.

On this particular day, Bear was one of the last visitors. Turns out Bear was kinda ticked at me. Why? Well, because I didn't tell him first thing I was in the hospital. I'd been there a week before I told him. Bear felt because of our past, I would have told him. Well, in my opinion, because of our past is why I didn't tell him. At that moment in time, Bear and I had little to do with each other, for weeks and months. Why would I want to share anything with him? Yet, I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew Bear would pray for me, and I needed all the prayers I could get!

I recall, I sat in a chair, donned in my faded hospital gown while Bear sat across from me. We've never spoken of what he thought that day. Looking back, I do believe Bear was scared. Except for the gown and being in a hospital and getting my BP checked about every hour, I was still me. Bear had a hard time with my illness--as time wore on, to a degree, I think he still does. You see, his dad passed away of heart issues at a young 58. There are times I wonder if Bear sees his Dad in me--which is only something Bear can answer. I've tried to reassure him of my health...

Fast forward to this day in 2010. Another gorgeous almost Spring Day. Received some good words from my classmates in this online class I'm in. That made me feel good. Gotta get my trash to the curb, chow on some salad, pet a cat and settle down to my Thursday TV watching--this is a night for me.

I am blessed.

Oscar Time

And the winner goes to....

Rain falls here in Dallas. Drank all my cappuccino and need to get my team assignment done for my college course. Somehow I wound up being the unelected leader of our team. All good tho. So I need to finish that up so I can be smack dab in front of the TV with popcorn in grand supply.

I headed out of the sanctuary today, at Inspiring Body of Christ Church, in thought of how Pastor Rickie Rush reminds us to be eagles. Eagles soar just a bit higher and I like that eagles are solitary creatures. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and there was Bear.

It so amazes me how this guy finds me, within a crowd of few thousand. Anyway, Bear began to hug me before I was ready--I'm not complaining-just surprised he found me. We chatted for a pleasant moment. Enjoyed that. Turns out Bear bought a house about a year ago, which I didn't know. I told Bear about my return to school and he didn't know that. I think I kinda surprised him on the endeavor. All in all, our chat made the rain out side seem not so chilled...

So tonight is Oscar night. I want to win my OWN Oscar for Best Screen Adaptation and Best Picture. And I know it may be in the bag for Sandra Bullock--but I'd like Gabourey Sidibe and Mo'nique sweep for "Precious." Gritty. Hard to watch--yet worth the praise.

In the meantime, gotta finish my team project, ponder on Bear and check the popcorn level...

I am blessed.

Something

Relationships are something. They really are. There are relationships you wish would stay around until the 12th of Never. You're quite lucky if they last until next Tuesday. Which is kinda the case with me.

Someone I cared about (and he does care about me) -I told him that I'm OK with our Season of Separation. We had a few get togethers, in recent times, yet not like before. I'd grown use to him not being around much--for whatever the reason. Told him I appreciate his honesty and respect his thoughts on why he'd kept his distance from me.

For me, the distance has happened before in our relationship and well, there comes a time where you have to step away too.The realization that a relationship can run its course is oh so difficult.

No matter how much you care about someone. A Season of Separation-can make folks stronger and closer-and it makes you remember how special something once was. And how it can be again...

Maybe.

Til Tuesday

No Dancing With The Stars Results Show tonight. Man oh man.

Drank water. Looked in the mirror. Attractive--I LOVE my eyes--yet, shook my head cause this 41 pounds I wanted to exit off the scale--ain't happening quite like I want. Ahh, each day is a new day. A new adventure to make it all the more right.

A chum gave me a story idea. Perhaps of a past relationship that was hard to put down. How interesting the outcome could be. I smiled, because it is good idea. Although which relationship would I pick? The gay guy or the cross dresser or the one who thought he was a warlock or the magician? Maybe roll em all up together? Hmm.

Life ain't ever been dull. Wouldn't be much fun if it was.

Back to situation at hand. No Dancing With the Stars Results Show tonight.

WHEN does American Idol start?

Stay tuned.

Friday Soft

Had to work today. Made it through. UGH. Thought it was Monday due to being off yesterday for Thanksgiving--yet happy to realize it was Friday-I made it THROUGH!

And tonight had dinner with a person I'd mentioned a few weeks ago. We once upon a time been close, yet at the time not so much. We've since talked thru stuff and opted for a new chapter to begin. Relationships grow up, down or even apart. Tonight we laughed alot. All good. Very good.

The thing is do folks risk to mingle together again and learn from each others' growth and grow anew? Or just to scared of said risk?

Cue up Joe Cocker circa 1968 who tells us how he gets a little help from his friends--I second that emotion.

I am blessed.

Single Stuffing

Happy Thanksgiving!

My day continues to be grand--and I hope yours is too!

A day to be thankful, even if more than one of your married friends ask you if you're going to be alone for the holiday. Of course, there is no harm meant. And there was a point in my singleness where I just HAD to be at homebody's house, just had to be somewhere because of whatever holiday it was. That whole thought process took a while to get over...a LONG time.

Sure, who wouldn't want to be with a special someone on a special day? Fight over a turkey leg or sigh in contentment over candied sweet potatoes? Hey, I know I'm not the only one in that choir--although--it ain't such a bad choir to be in. After spending time with folks that mean well, and you know you're gonna get a good meal and after the meal is gone-.then what? They're not your family. Not your kids that begin to fuss and not your cat that bit your ankle. Folks mean well. And you're blessed they want to share their home with you. Yet there are times an invite can be turned down--I've learned that and you still remain to be friends.

Today my 'food' started like it has every Thanksgiving Morning since 2003: get my praise on at Inspiring Body of Christ Church, with Pastor Rickie Rush. The locale today was a bit different as 2009 inches to the finish line. Today was the first ever service in the new Home--just right across the street from the old one.

The second person I hug at church was Bear. Might have surprised him, since I came right at him for the hug. After I sat down, I then wondered if I'd done the right thing--to hug him. And then I thought, "Well I can't take it back." And frankly, I didn't want to. It's Thanksgiving. Eventho Bear and I aren't the same as we were those years ago, Bear had such an impact on my life, good and/or bad--so I am thankful for him.

The new IBOC Home is gi-normous Thank YOU in itself. I wondered if some of the intimacy might be lost. I don't think I need to worry. Tears still found their way down my cheek as Vicki Winans sang of "Release," while I sat in one of the last rows of the sanctuary, where it was better to watch her on the big screen. Yes, the new Home is gonna do just fine!

Now if you will 'cuse me, pun'kin pie awaits!

I am blessed.