....and it begins!

Psalm 20:4-5

New Century Version (NCV)

May he give you what you want

    and make all your plans succeed,

and we will shout for joy when you succeed,

    and we will raise a flag in the name of our God.

May the Lord give you all that you ask for.

Start up your engines!

Sunday Good

Trekked to get my Praise and Hallelujah at IBOC, aka Inspiring Body of Christ Church today, with Pastor Rickie Rush doin' the preachin' as only he can. Once again, the message Pastor Rush brought was right on time! How does that happen? Goes to show God knows all thoughts. Pastor Rush asked us if we try to impress or impact those around us?  Do we say we walk in Christ, shout hallelujah, throw our hands up in the air to like we do care, yet our actions may show otherwise?  When folks know you walk in Christ, they wait for us to slip up. Yea. I know this one REAL good.
***Pastor Rush spoke of how we don't need to be talking all about our past to show how wild and cool we usta to be. That is all about trying to impress. That's all about what I have tried to do these last couple weeks with co-workers. Heck, I know how old I am--I remember vinyl, and I know how old some of my co-workers are--like they could be my grown kids. Anyway, sometimes I felt left out of conversations, I mean, don't we all want to be involved?  My co-workers, born in the late 70's and early 80's spoke about  going out, sex, drinking, yadda yadda.  Well, I use to go out too, right? Key word there is 'use to'--anyway, I told them a couple three or four stories. 
*****They gasped. Could not believe I EVER did stuff like that. It's also like Pastor Rush spoke today. The younger set really can't see you at their age. Or put you in that situation. Hey, I see how I usta be as plain as day and forget, the younger set sees me as a true grown up, their mom and/or big sister--not somebody who disco'd to Donna Summer in spandex skirt and four inch heels. So my co-workers asked me about stuff I so dusted behind some dresser drawer and forgot about. For a few minutes, I was part of the chit chat and the 'cool mom'. Yet when it was over, I felt kind of uneasy. I'm not exactly that person anymore, nor do I really want to pretend to be. Yea, it made me feel good for a few minutes with my co-workers, but then the reality was they would still go out and I'd still be in bed by 10:30 PM. What good was it?  I admit it was all to impress, not impact. My flesh, not my spirit was doing the talking. 
****Which brings me back to part of the Pastor Rush's message and one of my 'a-ha' moment. Was I bringing them some of my testimony or what?  They know I am a born again Christian. I've told them that without God I would not be here today. The co-workers listen, yet not so many questions yet.  If I go on and keep telling them about my back in the Bad Mama Jamma days--I need to check myself  for my own  motives.  
***Do I just want to impress so I could be part of their (and others') reindeer games, or do I want to make an impact? Even if there are  folks who don't like what I say, yet for whatever reason they keep talking, text and can't forget what I said? The impact would come from the God's influence on me for me take it forward. I want to make the impact that keeps on ticking.
***Another good thing was Reverend Glen Jones came up to me and said he'd found my blog. Reverend Jones read some of my posts when Pastor Rush was on his little medical leave. Felt good to get the acknowledgement and all that is to give God all the Glory.  
***Oh and the fishies in the photo?  It is one of the smaller aquariums in Inspiring Body of Christ Church--aka MY church!  
I am blessed. 

February 26, 2006 was Sunday

It was not Oscar Sunday that year. However, it was a Sunday I do remember as a one of kind. I wondered if something was wrong enough with me that I should go to the hospital. Even tho I had a 'jolt' as I washed my hands in the ladies' room in my home church at the time. The 'jolt' was a enough I held the faucet for fear I would fall to the floor. "What was that?" I asked myself. I felt a little different, yet...

Nonetheless, I went to the sanctuary. Sat farther back than usual. Like close to the exit doors to be precise. I did not speak to anyone, I just smiled and nodded. Which looking back, seems ironic, because I knew a few people there. I tried to write out my check for offering. The numbers came out as large letters a child in kindergarten would muster "A" "C" "U". No numbers. I somehow managed to scribble my debit card number on the envelope after 3 tries to write out a check.

I still stay, even tho I couldn't say our devotional out loud. My mouth would not form the words. I made it thru the whole service, wondering why I was acting the way I was. I managed to walk the few steps to give my offering then I walked up the aisle and out the doors. Walked to my car, drove to the grocery store and got what I needed. Once home, I put away my groceries and I was too tired to get on the Internet (my PC was dial up then, so that could have been part of the problem :) I just lie on my bed all day and watched TV. Did not talk to anyone on the phone. Just pet my two cats.

And wondered if something had happened wrong enough I should go to the hospital.

In 2012, on this Sunday, I headed to my home church, Inspiring Body of Christ Church (IBOC) with Pastor Rickie Rush. I needed me some church today. Pastor Rush has taught from Exodus before, yet today I was touched more than I have been. Pastor spoke of Moses asking God why He had chosen Moses to lead. Moses said he himself was a slow speaker and not an eloquent speaker. God told Moses he would tell Moses what to say. All in all, Pastor Rush taught how God would use our weaknesses for His strength.

I believe that. Back in 2006, yes, something did happen wrong enough I went to the hospital the next day. A week went by in fear and wonder if my speech would ever be again with out slurs and skipping words in sentences. Would y speech be normal? Would people understand my words?

Since 2006, with my confidence being someone lack, my weakness has become my biggest strength for God's glory. Because of Him, people have complimented on my words and tone. . Some have urged me to speak more, while others want to know how I do it.

With God's goodness and mercy. I know no other way.

I am blessed.

Song Silenced

Like millions of others, I watched the funeral of Whitney Houston today. I admit to not being a real big fan, yet in those early days....I was captivated with her videos (epecially her hair) and that VOICE. Even saw Whitney in concert once. I had not heard such a gift before or since, even tho during the one and only concert I attended, Whitney did not do "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" and I was bummed. Nonetheless, those early days, before everything happened, is how I want to remember her--as in this photo.

Whitney's downward spiral is so well known. Sad to see such a gift wasted. I do think Whitney was a believer in God. However, God does give us free will. Some choices Whitney made gave Satan easy access.

And that is why like millions of others, I watched Whitney's Homegoing today.

I Heart Cats --again--

Had this chat today at work, which I have had already. Mentioned this topic on this blog too. "If a man wants to marry you, but he doesn't like cats what would you do?" This question was posed about 7 different times (at least she thought that many) by my co-worker, The Captain--we'll call her TC from now on. TC has brought this up a couple times. She's been married for 16 years. Said when she first got with her hubby, her cat hissed at him. Hubby said "Cat's gotta go". TC was about 20 at the time. So the cat went. I told TC, if I were in my 20's and some guy was all into me, the cat may have gone too. Not now. TC's argument was no man wants to be with a woman with multiple cats. I told her, by the time somebody asked me to marry him, we would have had this conversation about pets. I'm a pet person--whether cats, dogs or ferrets. So if he waits to present me with a ring and then says, "Oh, yea and baby, Fluffy needs to find house for the litter box...." I'm too old to deal with that. My life experiences, the men I've known, that fact I'm grown older. Didn't matter to TC as she kept saying, "But the man wants to marry you...."The man is telling me give up something I love. An ultimatum. As long as it's not illegal or hurting anybody--he wants me to forgo something I love. I ain't feelin' that. Not everybody is an animal person, I do get that. I can respect that, as long as you don't boast about harming an animal. Then my claws would come out. Back to topic: Early in the relationship. It would be up to the man if he can honestly handle cats. If not--well, we'll be chums that maybe do just coffee. Things could change--without push from me. TC just kept on with, "But he wants to marry you! You'll be alone for a long time if you pick the cats over a man." I remind TC, I'm not picking anybody over anything, besides I asked TC what if the man has something I don't like? Is he going to give that up for me? Silence from TC. Then I say, "I'll never be alone, I have God with me always." And TC rolled her eyes, which I told her I caught her doing. TC asks me don't I want to curl and cozy up at night to somebody at night? Well, of course I do. TC reminds me since I have cats, that ain't gonna happen. I smile and tell her I so do disagree. God has plans for me. That's all that matters. TC rolls her eyes again.
Conversation done--again.

Sunday Stuff

Even tho it's another 100-something degree Dallas day, it's been a good day so far. Made it up to get my Amen and Hallelujah on at Inspiring Body of Christ Church (IBOC with Pastor Rickie Rush). Message was about our passions. Not the lusty kind that Denzel Washington or Johnny Depp conjur up. Nope. The passions you have--that are the gifts God gave you. Yet for some reason you ain't following them. You think you can do better on your own. Well, from my own past experience, that does NOT work. The Men of IBOC, all 200 voices strong, got their song on and helped us with our praise. Bear, a past love was up in the choir. When I met him all those years ago, never would I think he would be in any choir, unless it was to shout the goodness of The Gospel According to Heinken Beer. I digress. Funny, when I first started to church in 2003, I just thought "All THAT singing!" Now, I make sure I'm there to catch it all. Oh, the choirs' songs don't come out of a hymnal...

After church, I headed to Micheal's Craft Store and bought my 20 terra cotta pots and paint. If this whole pot thing takes off, I need find whole sale prices for pots. My cute and natural curly hair frizzed up in the heat..wasn't as cute and curly as was before--so I had to head to Panera's Bread for spot to eat. I LOVE this place.

As I went to find a seat, I see a woman, I wasn't sure it was who I thought I was. And it was who I thought it was. We're not chums, yet acquaintances. Michele is a local author with 8 books to her credit and concentrates on Christian Fiction. What was cool--yesterday we spoke on the phone, because her 9th novel, that her publisher says must be done by the 15th and she has bout 30 thousand more words to go--has a cat in it. Michele is not a cat person and asked a few days if I was. Hence our 45 min call. Michele said too bad she didn't know I would be there today. Well, I didn't know. We chatted about her book. My pots. I actually had a picture I'd printed on tissue paper I showed her. Our running into each other was an inspiration for me. Michele was probably going to hang there until about 8 tonight. She says she goes to Panera's because at home her kids and hubby would bother her. Well, since Michele's in the works on her 9th book, it works for her!

All these writers and other creative types I am meeting. Sounds like part of the church message church, God will put you around the folks that can help you with your passions, because they 'get' you.

I "get" that now.

...and if you will excuse me, I got a kitty's tummy to rub and a chocolate chip cookie to devour.

I am blessed.

Sunday Show Down

The beauty of a cat's love is it is pretty unconditional. Yea, I know the cat nay-sayers would so say "NAY". However us cat lovers know different.***Too bad our human relationships aren't so. They should be. Even as a Woman of Faith it can be hard. What am I getting at? Well, today Pastor Rickie Rush of Inspiring Body of Christ Church, here in Dallas, spoke how people in our lives act when WE go thru a crisis. Not them. US. What a crisis means to them and to us. How a crisis actually strenghtens the one going thru it. A crisis also reveals what was already there. Good and bad.****The good is knowing you have friends that will see you thru. The bad is they hi-tail the minute it's more than a cold you have. Oh, sure they may hand you a tissue . Then they say they're going to the drug store to pick more up....and you never see them again. Friends cannot carry your burden/cross, yet the true friends will wait at the tomb until you come out.*****Pastor we can worry so much about a good person leaving our lives, we don't concentrate on the not so good ones, that we care for, yet they don't do anything for us. Been there. Even got the t-shirt. ******This happened when I had my little open heart surgery a few years ago. The man I loved enough to marry (I thought) his name is Bear--I've blogged about him-wound up asking me twice (or was it three times?) to forgive him for not being there for me. He wasn't either. He thought I was being untrue about my prognosis. He said he 'knew me'....he didn't. He said I lived too far away to bring me some strawberries, when he knew I couldn't drive and couldn't walk more than 10 mins before I had to sit down. Yet, he would take someone else he knew cross town in an ice storm, with plastic over one car window. I lived closer. And it was a clear day.*******Then I think of Movie Man--I've blogged about us too. He was THERE every step of the way. He was the last person I saw, the night before surgery. He brought me home from the hospital. My birthday was a couple weeks after I got to go home. I still couldn't drive and barely could last past 7 pm. He made sure I had a birthday. He came to get me. Helped me walk thru the places we went. And when I had to give myself my daily I-V, which looked like a lemon. We sat in a parking lot of a grocery store. Movie Man drank his Mountain Dew, I gave myself my I-V and wondered would my life go toward the better. He made sure I didn't over do it. I know it was a scarey time for him, yet Movie Man was there. Bear, I wanted to be there--he chose not to.********Fast forward to today. Neither man is in my life. As Pastor Rush preached today, I thought so much about both Bear and Movie Man. So different they are of each other. Age. Skin color. Yet they both did care for me--in their own way. It just didn't seem to be what I absolutely needed. ***The theme Pastor Rush preaches is "At This Level"--how some folks may not 'get you' and they may not want you to change. Why? Because they can't handle it. People that are called to you never leave. The folks that aren't-- never stay. The thing is, how to know the difference?

That's a God thing***After I pray, I'm gonna pet a cat.

Time Flies

WOW! It's November already!!! When in the world did THAT happen? Wasn't it just a few days ago the sweltering Texas heat gave a subject to chat about and high hopes for the Dallas Cowboys and wonder if the Texas Rangers were gonna do something?

Now I have these two kitties sit still on the window sill either waiting still for a World Series parade to come down our street for the Texas Rangers or a victory might come this way for the Dallas Cowboys. The Rangers tried to win the World Series and the Dallas Cowboys are trying to win period....Either way, it's November!

And today was Sunday and I headed to church and it's what I needed to hear. Pastor Rickie Rush of Inspiring Body of Christ Church reminded us of our valleys. How they build our Godly character and mature us. We could be ticked at the process, yet it benefits us in the end. I thought of my little pesky open-heart surgery. That valley either made me put my honestly put my trust in God or not. When I did, more so, when I realize I did--I wanted the surgery to get over and done. I had to learn to really listen to Him. This might explain why the nurse said I was person who ever tried to wake up the fastest from surgery. That's right. I had things to do. The sermons have been hitting me right on time--and that's a good thing.

We set our clocks back last night. Why do we still do this? Not my most favorite thing to do. It's 5:46 PM as I type this and night has just about fallen. Naw. Nope. Uh-huh. .

So in that case, I'll close the window. The cats will be mad. Got my school work done, so I'm headed to the TV to think about this day and the future.

I am blessed.

Sunday Short Stuff

Yep. I really mean it this time. Short sweet and to the point.

Sun gone down on this Sunday and what a grand day it was (and still is!). Got the Praise on at Inspiring Body of Christ Church. I've enjoyed the lesson of what my mission is, that Pastor Rickie Rush has given. How to utilize the gifts God has given me. I know my speech and my words are part of those gifts. Before I had that pesky little open heart surgery thing on March 14, 2006, I had symptoms of a stroke, My speech was effected with slurred and skipped words. I was more afraid of not speaking like myself ever again, than whatever the diagnosis was. Since then I've been awakened how my words, verbal and written, have made people feel. A working gift in progress. .

Then the Dallas Cowboys Shut OUT the Philadelphia Eagles 24-0! LOVE IT!

Same teams. Next Week. Same stadium. Can the Boyz beat the Donovan and his Eagles 3 times this season? It's gonna be hard--yet CAN be done!

Great, GREAT Sunday. Now for a bit more Blue Bell Ice Cream to savour!

See--short, sweet and to the point...

Kinda. :)

On This Day...

A child was born

And brought forth the true

Reason for this Season

Merry Christmas!!

Sunday Special Order

Gotta admit, eventho Pastor Rickie Rush of Inspiring Body of Christ Church, preached a shorter (for him) sermon today, the words still hit me right upside the head.

How DOES that happen?

Anyway, of late, I've wondered why things have passed me by, while others have prospered. With some of them, I do admit I didn't believe they deserved their prosperity.

Pastor Rush said the devil isn't after you for what you've done, but for what he knows God has planned for you. God has put desires in your heart, which you must tell Him. The devil knows this, and out to ruin you is the plan.Made sense to me. For I was born with one ear, my mom dies when we were both too young, the on-going inner fight of how I didn't need or want anybody's help for anything--to me, at the time, was a sign of weakness, if I did ask for help, and then the chums who have known me for years, either ry to poke fun at my Walk, and/or try to remind how I was once upon a time. OK--like I can really forget, and honestly, there are times I still smile at the memories, and/or they don't really like when I 'preach' on my blog.

Oh well and too bad.

And the stuff of present day. Pastor Rush said, while you wait in line, you learn patience. HA! Well, I'm still learning that--better than before, yet more to go. It's all about to have a special order. Something I need to get ready for. Seen images in my mind. Scary--yet like what I see lots. I gotta be close, because this scar from my little open-heart surgery reminds me everyday (especially when it itches) how far I've come.

And He didn't bring me this far to leave me.

Stay tuned.

Sunday Inspiring Body and Spirit

I am exhausted.
Didn't think to go get My Praise on would do it to me. Yep. It was the first official service in the new Inspiring of Body of Christ Church today, with Pastor Rickie Rush. I've heard tell the church's aquarium is now part of the World's Guinness Book of Records. If it is, cool--if not--well, I'm still in awe of the stingray as it swims by.

The main thing is Pastor Rickie Rush. I've been honest to say, through the years, Pastor Rickie Rush has been quite an acquired taste for me. However today, I believe we've finally met in the middle. He's always been a man cool and collected. Words have been thrown at Pastor Rickie Rush and the church like swords. Hey, I'm adult to admit I've thrown some of those words. Yet today, I feel the emotion of getting the new House built, plus to over come the negativity and just to have the flock gathered--finally--got to the Pastor. He cried. Not just a dab here or a lone tear. He cried.

Yea, yea, yea--some folk will disagree. That is their opinion, which I do respect-as I hope they respect mine.

Church wore me out today. As I walked up the aisle to exit, I went straight to Bear, who is a Servant of the Church, and instigated a hug. Bear asked if I was OK. I was whipped. The message and the emotion made me remember nobody knows my story. They don't know what I had to go thru to get here. Bear knows some--I perhaps wanted that connection. No matter what--it's all good.

I am blessed.

Eve of Giving Thanks

And I think of night before Turkey Days past when Mom and Dad stayed up for hours in the kitchen. I'd hear them laugh, talk and cook and the aromas would tickle my nose. I couldn't wait for Mom's sweet potatoes or the cranberry sauce. Those were my favorites outside of her pumpkin pie! Yep, my mom could cook. I've been told I can make a mean pie and dish of mancotti---alas, not as good as Mom's!

So I think of those nights before. In my jammies. Just waiting for our feast. I recall, as I got older, we didn't do so much the all the family come to the house, or we went to their house thing-I have pictures from those times. Maybe new traditions wanted to be started. And that was OK for me.

I liked being with my parents. To listen at them bicker and laugh. To know they loved me, even if Mom had NO problem in dishing out a spank or two! .

Just like on this Eve to Give Thanks, their spirts embrace me now-

As it should and always will be

And I give my thanks.

Sunday Sum Up

The Iowa Hawkeyes won ugly 12-0. Dallas Cowboys won ugly 7-6. Yet a win is a win regardless how it looks. Still...

Today were the last services at the current location of the Inspiring Body of Christ Church, with Pastor Rickie Rush. Packed isn't even the adjective to describe how many people were there. Everybody wanted to share in the last moments of being inside. To experience the journey. Like I've said, Pastor Rickie Rush has been an acquired taste for me. And there are some things he says, I'm not 100% with, however that's when I know I have free will at my fingertips. Nonetheless, I admire Pastor Rush because it's been a struggle to get this new House built. Media has not been kind, even those that may have once been IBOC members. He weathered it all.

So on Thanksgiving morning, I will journey to the new location--right across the street--100 yards. The same distance Moses stood from the Promised Land he did not have the chance to enter. The new House looks beautiful. I've attended the Thanksgiving Service since 2003--my tradition. As I sat in service today, I wondered again why I haven't technically joined IBOC--especially since I've been in attendance every Sunday since about August? I continue to pray on that one. Yet, Pastor Rush spoke of how we have something about us that folks think make us not normal--however those very things we use to touch others.

In my case, I was born without a left ear (microtia), then becoming a motherless daughter at 13 and enduring pesky open heart surgery a few years ago. It all made sense. The things that have happened of late--even today. From folks I've known since my growing up years, who enjoy my quotes from The Word on every Sunday morning. These were folks I partied hard with back in the day--and today I smile, because we party--just in a different way. .

So I was in a pissy mood a few days ago. Nothing I can do about it. Already happened. Already done. And it was all pretty ugly--just like the two football games I DVR'd because I wasn't home--and watched in their entirety-not knowing who won or lost.

Games were ugly. Victory triumphed. Just like in Life.

I am blessed.

Acquire Sunday

Just a quick couple things on this rain soaked Sunday.

First, Pastor Rickie Rush, of the Inspiring Body of Christ Church, brought it all home in today's message. How the sciptures tells us how God will give us our heart's desires, however our problem is we may not how to speak that desire. Pastor Rush told the weapons to fight Satan: The Word, Faith, In the Name of Jesus, and Prayer. At one point, Pastor Rush asked us to open our umbrellas--this was to show how we covered with the anointing. And at the end of service, to prove the point, Pastor Rush held an open umbrella, a set of keys, bottle of vitamins and a bible. Trust me, it all worked! As I've mentioned, more than once, Pastor Rickie Rush has been an acquired taste. Maybe I finally get it.

As I first walked into the sanctuary there was Bear, who stood with the other ushers. Gotta admit Bear surprised me and once again, I didn't recognize him. Tickles me how back in the day, my radar would be way up to find HIM. Now, no matter how big that church is, Bear seems to find me. We hugged and chatted for a minute. Bear had a -put on your sunglasses blind you kind of smile. Quite nice to witness on a dreary, rain soaked day. As Pastor Rush spoke us not telling God what we wanted and just went out and got it anyway, I thought of Bear. How, in our past, I so pushed and yanked for the relationship I wanted with him. Did that ALOT. Never gave God a thought-then.

Acquired taste indeed.

Now it's on to the Gospel of the Gridiron--Dallas Cowboys and the Denver Broncos. Had a great day at the church house-so I pray the Cowboys can bring another victory. Play like they mean it and bring on the win in the Broncos' Bungalow. Go Boyz!

I am blessed.

September 29, 1998 was Tuesday

...and I was out with a guy at a sports bar. I'd brought him a baked potato from Jason's Deli because the sports bar only served peanuts. We'd just had this phone chat how we wanted to know each other better. How he thought I was attractive. I'd recently decided to be more open and let the last two relationship slip out my memory banks---One was a married man and the other became a crossdresser. Yes, another post for another time. And the Texas Rangers were in the play offs for the first time in about ever.

It was also the time I first met Bear. He told how I intrigued him and bought me a couple drinks. I tried to eat my potato from Jason's Deli as I wondered how one man could hit on me while I was supposedly there to be with another. I guess, cause the man I was there to be supposedly with felt his buds were more interesting to talk to than me. Used me for the Jason's Deli potato, I'm sure! Bear did ask for my number, yet I hum and ha'd. Let me just say, we had our first (and kinda last date) 10 days later. OK, all that's another post too.

However, that main reason Bear and I began to chat was because of my book. Yes, you read right. My book. I'd self published and on this day, in 1998, I'd received my first shipment of 30 books. The publisher had made a a mistake and duplicated a couple pages and asked me what I wanted to do. One option was to still take delivery of these 30, while they worked on rest of my order. You see, my goal was to have my books by this date in 1998, because it was the anniversary of my mom's death. The book is primarily the story of a mother-daughter relationship. This book was a tribute to her.

Self publishing my book was an adventure in itself. The internet was far from what it is now. All samples I received from publishers was done through snail mail. Did I get rich? Did Hollywood come callin'? Did I get Whoopi Goldberg to play the mom--in fact, I thought of her playing BOTH parts, then I thought Queen Latifah could be the daughter...anyway, those dreams still float in my head today.

September 29, 1998 was one of those days you remember and still smile about.

Now, on this day in 2009, I've rediscovered my love for writing. Because of my book and the happenings after it, I didn't write anything but e-mail for three years. Felt like a failure. God sends me to Habakkuk 2:2 many times. He's shown me what words can do, even tho at times I may be hesitant to write them.

Stay tuned.

September 27 1971 was Monday

..and the day I became a motherless daughter.

I cried in Dad's arms five times and probably at least another five times by myself. At one point, during that longest day ever, I stretched myself on Mom's side of their bed, where she'd been just three days prior. I wanted to be close to her. I wanted her to come back. I didn't know how sick Mom was or maybe I did and just in teenage denial.

On this day in 2009, Pastor Rickie Rush, of the Inspiring Body of Christ Church, spoke of shame. How things of your past are great canidates for shame. How Satan reminds you of these things and tell you how you're not worthy. The shame occurs when you believe the words Satan's spews. Yes, you will always have struggles as you journey to your blessings, that's where Satan's really wants to latch on, so you can fail. God wants to see how you react. If you can handle what HE has instore for you.

After Mom died, I felt so unworthy of many things. I trace alot, if not all, back to that 1971 day. As an adult, I realized when I was a kid, didn't think I was as special as somebody with a Mom. My Dad adored me, as did the rest of my family, but I wonder since I missed out on something--was I worthy enough? Satan had a grip on me. I know that now. I felt shame over my Mom's death. I carried guilt that I could have prevented it--if I just opened my mouth.

Mom wanted to have weight loss surgery. She wasn't a Half Ton Mom, like you see on TV, far from it. Yet she wanted it, to escape her 300 pounds yo-yo dieting, especially due to the success her sister and my 17 year old cousin seemed to have. On a June day, the doctor gave the final OK for surgery. Mom was euphoric. Mom held me close as she nearly skipped with joy from the doctor's office. Mom shouted how this time next year, how thin she would be.

A boulder slammed in the bottom of my stomach. I wanted to scream "NO! Don't do it!" But I didn't.

Three months later, after several complications, Mom died of yellow liver atrophy.

Our family doctor told me he advised Mom not to have it. My dad told me over and over, how Mom wanted this surgery and it didn't matter what anybody said. Dad, also said through the years, to not to feel guilty--how Mom wouldn't want me to. That's alittle easier said than done.

In service today, Pastor Rush said how words from those that are suppose to love you causes shame too. Explains alot. Especially when my step-mother would inform me how I didn't quite measure up to being the best daughter or that a man would want me because I didn't cook enough. After Mom died, I so longed for a mother figure. I settled for hurtful words to get what I thought I wanted.

I didn't wait for God to work it out, as Pastor Rush said. God had to put me in quarantine as He did His work on me. I skipped that step--ALOT, and tried to do it myself. In those cases, Satan roasted his marshmallows and had a good time. I know that now.

I'm not perfect, yet I see things more clearly now. I try to remember more memories of Mom---the good and the bad (she could spank in blink of an eye!). I was 13 when she died on this day in 1971. I think of how hard it was for Dad to wake his daughter and tell her Mommy was gone. So much we missed out on--our entire family.

Yet, I realize I am worthy. I always have been. God waited patiently for me to get there, even tho I wasn't so patient on myself. I still make mistakes. Sometimes I hear Satan whisper in my ear, but I don't hear him as much as I do. The beauty of being born with no left ear (microtia) so I turn to my left and all I 'hear' is hot air.

I celebrate Mom's life and continue with the dance our spirits still do today.

I am blessed.

Sunday Source

Pastor Rickie Rush, of Inspiring Body of Christ Church, asked all the women to wear hats and gloves to service today. To pay tribute how church was when most of us were growing up. I did wear a hat, alas the gloves...not so much. Unlike my younger counter part in the photo from a long ago Sunday.

I didn't know where to even buy a pair gloves. I'm from Iowa and the only gloves, I remember were those to keep my hands warms because the temperature was below freezing--WAY below freezing at that! I will admit, that today it was very nice to see alot of the women, all on the same accord.

The sermon itself hit home-- again. This time about the approach you take in situations. God, being one of them. Do you get all up in His face? Or are you ON your face to worship Him? How do you approach people, situations--whatever else? This made me think of Bear. I'd mentioned him before. The love of my life I thought--and well, that really didn't happen-yet we're now working on civility with one another. Prayer and time passed has helped.

Anyway, one of the many things Bear blamed me for in our on and off and real on and way off and kinda on relationship. was my approach towards him was all wrong. Really? I'd ask for specifics, and receive few. And his approach to me? Whatever I let him get away with because I hoped it would really super duper show him how much I loved him.

It didn't.

Pastor Rush preached on approach-How to check yourself. How you think you may be ready for something, but your approach says other wise. How oppresses you. When you feel the jealousy, envy fear etc, Satan has you in his sights, yet not in control of you. You can push Satan away, thru your approach to worship. I thought of Bear. He was in the sanctuary too today. I wondered what he thought of the Word being preached? If he realized the oppression that branded itself to our relationship back when.

I confident I'll not ever know.

After service, I went up to Pastor Rickie Rush and told him Thank You for the Word today. How it hit home. How the last few Sundays all hit.

Pastor Rush said; "It was you." and stared in my eyes.

I am blessed.

Sunday Sundown

Got my praise on at Inspiring Body of Christ Church, with Pastor Rickie Rush, today. Message hit home for me --as they seem to ALWAYS do--Why go through the trials we do as we wait for the good stuff? How our character, conduct and conversation are played out--do we cut those from our lives that drag us down or they really don't 'get' the light we have from our Walk.

Never been the patient person---that explains some horrid choices I've made. Plus patience was something I had to embrace during my open-heart surgery and recuperation. I couldn't do much and had to rely on others--which is not my thing. Yet, during that time-I had to. To feel like ALL of me again--too nine months. That feeling came over the Christmas --a present if there ever was one.

Also how folks may treat you different than before-which goes to your conduct, character and conversation, because of your Walk. This past Friday, a co-worker was upset about her job. Dropped the f-bomb a few times. I just let her go. She needed the rant. Then she said, "I am so sorry. I shouldn't be saying that. I am sorry." I smiled and told her it was OK. Wasn't that long ago I cussed better than a longshormen and down alot of vodka mixed cranberry juice, or orange juice or grapefruit (Hey, it was a way to get vitamin c!) Made me think I was Russian until about 2am or when the bars closed. Anyhoo, I'm humbled folks apologize for cussin'--it's kinda like if you knew ALL my story-you may not be apologizing! :)

Yea. Good message today.

To make me all the more strong. To make sure my faith remains where it belongs.

So as the day winds down--promised myself I would wash the dishes and mop my floor before my Sunday array of TV commences. I got the Blue Bell Cookies n Cream ready! And yes, the 74 ounces were sipped today!

I am blessed.

Sunday Short

A couple things--well, really three things happened during my trek to the church house, Inspiring Body of Christ Church. today. Seems like I've been visiting enough I should just join--yet I haven't--however that isn't one of the three things that happened.

Pastor Rickie Rush taught from the Book of Luke-specifically the story of Jarius who asked Jesus to save his dying daughter. What hit me about this was, I wrote a short story from a 12 year old girl's point of view about this same story. I'd tried to submit it--well, once to a Christian magazine, then to a couple others who said they had interest is possible play production. None of it happened, so the story has set still. Honestly, I'd almost forgotten it today. It was as if I was told "it's time." Stay tuned.

The other thing was Pastor Rush's talk of fear of perhaps being alone. How others don't love you like you love them. How you might do things for them, which may be a way to make sure they stay around. Like you're buying their love. Yet you can't understand why the folk leave anyway. BINGO. Another a-ha moment. I've done that with just about every man I've loved. and even some women who I wanted to be my best good girl friends. The girlfriend you drink coffee and eat cheesecake with and talk about all the men in you life. Maybe I was scared of being alone. Or scared my bold personality would scare them off. Nonetheless, if some of those people remain in my life, the relationship has shifted. I now know The One I need to lean on. I don't need to buy His love, for it's already done.

The last thing was during most of the service a six month boy, Micah kept me company. He was on my shoulder or either on lap. Micah's smile brightened the room and my heart. Even fed Micah his bottle and happy he didn't even spit up on me after. Having Micah in my arms made me realize how much I miss not having my own family. Never thought I would be this age and not have my own kids. I have those where I am their other mom or big sister. It's a role I've learned to cherish. Yet some where in the last 20 years, I lost 20 years. Just need to make sure I don't miss another 20.

In the meantime will enjoy the rest of the Sunday.

I am blessed.