Song Silenced

Like millions of others, I watched the funeral of Whitney Houston today. I admit to not being a real big fan, yet in those early days....I was captivated with her videos (epecially her hair) and that VOICE. Even saw Whitney in concert once. I had not heard such a gift before or since, even tho during the one and only concert I attended, Whitney did not do "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" and I was bummed. Nonetheless, those early days, before everything happened, is how I want to remember her--as in this photo.

Whitney's downward spiral is so well known. Sad to see such a gift wasted. I do think Whitney was a believer in God. However, God does give us free will. Some choices Whitney made gave Satan easy access.

And that is why like millions of others, I watched Whitney's Homegoing today.

And So Sunday

Miles Austin is the new hero of the Dallas Cowboy's OT win over the winless Kansas City Chiefs. Gotta admit Miles looked migthy good and I think Roy Williams may need to try just a little bit harder in practice..

And the day--GREAT message delivered by Rickie Rush, of the Inspiring Body of Christ Church, on the time God gets your ready, while Satan tries to keep you down. As with Fear. God doesn't give us fear, alas Satan uses it so we don't put our trust in The One who is there always. I think of when my mom passed when I was just 13, and of decisions I made, including those about Bear. God has always been there, yet I let fear over take me. And I would decide to do things myself-WRONG. GREAT message!

Now on this Sunday, as it swirls down, I know how good it will be to listen to sports radio for the next couple weeks, especially since the Cowboys have their bye week next Sunday. Miles Austin will have his fame and all La-Z-Boy QB's will have their say. Since a Cowboy victory is involved they can talk ALL they want!

I am blessed.

September 27 1971 was Monday

..and the day I became a motherless daughter.

I cried in Dad's arms five times and probably at least another five times by myself. At one point, during that longest day ever, I stretched myself on Mom's side of their bed, where she'd been just three days prior. I wanted to be close to her. I wanted her to come back. I didn't know how sick Mom was or maybe I did and just in teenage denial.

On this day in 2009, Pastor Rickie Rush, of the Inspiring Body of Christ Church, spoke of shame. How things of your past are great canidates for shame. How Satan reminds you of these things and tell you how you're not worthy. The shame occurs when you believe the words Satan's spews. Yes, you will always have struggles as you journey to your blessings, that's where Satan's really wants to latch on, so you can fail. God wants to see how you react. If you can handle what HE has instore for you.

After Mom died, I felt so unworthy of many things. I trace alot, if not all, back to that 1971 day. As an adult, I realized when I was a kid, didn't think I was as special as somebody with a Mom. My Dad adored me, as did the rest of my family, but I wonder since I missed out on something--was I worthy enough? Satan had a grip on me. I know that now. I felt shame over my Mom's death. I carried guilt that I could have prevented it--if I just opened my mouth.

Mom wanted to have weight loss surgery. She wasn't a Half Ton Mom, like you see on TV, far from it. Yet she wanted it, to escape her 300 pounds yo-yo dieting, especially due to the success her sister and my 17 year old cousin seemed to have. On a June day, the doctor gave the final OK for surgery. Mom was euphoric. Mom held me close as she nearly skipped with joy from the doctor's office. Mom shouted how this time next year, how thin she would be.

A boulder slammed in the bottom of my stomach. I wanted to scream "NO! Don't do it!" But I didn't.

Three months later, after several complications, Mom died of yellow liver atrophy.

Our family doctor told me he advised Mom not to have it. My dad told me over and over, how Mom wanted this surgery and it didn't matter what anybody said. Dad, also said through the years, to not to feel guilty--how Mom wouldn't want me to. That's alittle easier said than done.

In service today, Pastor Rush said how words from those that are suppose to love you causes shame too. Explains alot. Especially when my step-mother would inform me how I didn't quite measure up to being the best daughter or that a man would want me because I didn't cook enough. After Mom died, I so longed for a mother figure. I settled for hurtful words to get what I thought I wanted.

I didn't wait for God to work it out, as Pastor Rush said. God had to put me in quarantine as He did His work on me. I skipped that step--ALOT, and tried to do it myself. In those cases, Satan roasted his marshmallows and had a good time. I know that now.

I'm not perfect, yet I see things more clearly now. I try to remember more memories of Mom---the good and the bad (she could spank in blink of an eye!). I was 13 when she died on this day in 1971. I think of how hard it was for Dad to wake his daughter and tell her Mommy was gone. So much we missed out on--our entire family.

Yet, I realize I am worthy. I always have been. God waited patiently for me to get there, even tho I wasn't so patient on myself. I still make mistakes. Sometimes I hear Satan whisper in my ear, but I don't hear him as much as I do. The beauty of being born with no left ear (microtia) so I turn to my left and all I 'hear' is hot air.

I celebrate Mom's life and continue with the dance our spirits still do today.

I am blessed.

Something 'bout Sundays

Spring on a Sunday. Windows open. Birds chirp and March Madness. OK. Well, Texas lost, Northern Iowa lost, and so did Sienna --who? The Sweet 16 is peppered with teams not really seemed to be mentioned regularly on ESPN...Gonzaga....?

Fellowshipped at Inspiring Body of Christ Church with Pastor Rickie Rush. The sermon was John 15:1-5. How Jesus is the branch, and we are the vine. As long as He is in us, how can we not produce fruit? And I know He is in me, yet I know I'm not doing all my part to produce fruit. I admit that. My writing has stymied. My plan of speaking to others about microtia, being a mended heart, and/or of being a motherless daughter regardless of your age, simmer on the back burner.

What am I scared of?

Wish I had an answer.

God does not give you fear. Satan thrives and heats up the chicken wings because you have fear, which includes indecisiveness. I know where my strength does come from. I know I need to give Him all my troubles and he will rescue me. I just need to give Him glory, yet Pastor Rush said frustration comes from stuff we brought into adulthood. Stuff we thought didn't make a difference. Yet it does.

Satan is frying him up some fries to go with them wings. He loves this.

Pastor Rush said words today that hit home. Give me pause to ponder. God gave me gifts. Made me this way for a reason. We're all unique--for His glory. So what do I do about it?

Something 'bout Spring on a Sunday. Windows open. Birds chirp. March Madness (Go 'zaga Bulldogs!)and you realize how really blessed you are in it.

Stay tuned.