March 13, 2006 was Monday

Six years ago tonight I walked my chum Movie Man to the elevator. There I hugged Movie Man and told him I would see him later. As the elevator doors closed, the fear covered his face. I tried to smile. I told Movie Man I would be fine. The doors closed and he was gone. . Movie Man was the last chum I would see that night. Visiting hours were over. I turned and took slow steps back to my room. Maybe if I walked slow enough a tortoise would beat me, I would wake up and this would be a dream. Back in my room, I sat on my bed. I could not believe the time was almost here. In less than 12 hours I would be in surgery. Open heart surgery to be precise-to replace my mitral valve. I still had my tonsils. Yet, I was now on the verge my chest being cracked open.

On this night in 2012, the windows are open to catch an almost Spring breeze. I survey my oh so cluttered, feline filled house and center on this terra cotta pot. I remain amazed I decorated the pot. In 2006, terra cotta pots and a house were not on the docket. Cats were--but not even these cats did I have then. How life changes, even tho some things remain the same.

I look down at my scar. Oh course, my scar did not virtually disappear as I recuperated. Naw--that would be too easy. My scar is keloid--thick, and raised. Itchy at times, hurts at others or sensitive or just forgotten---until it itches, hurts or becomes sensitive against my clothing. No matter. It is my medal.

Six years. Seems so long ago--yet, I remember so clear. I hope I always do.

With these scars I am healed.

ECHO Me Life

Today I had my annual ultrasound of my heart, aka ECHO. I'm sure when my cardiologist reads the results, it will show I am not exercising as I once was. My heart doc once told me how the ECHO gives away your not being obedient ways.

I lie there today as a tech, born in 1986, and a male, gel'd me up. He asked me if I was OK with him doing the procedure. Yea. I got over any any pride years ago when I was in the hospital. After surgery, I was so weak. I needed a new bra for support due to my incision. I also wore a heart monitor and I didn't have the strength and know-how to mess with the heart monitor wires. The male nurse said, "I can get a female nurse, if you want." I told him, I needed help and I was no longer proud. I told that story to the kid who was born in 1986 and was my tech today. Anyway, I had on my paper smock, open in the front, no bra. The tech, who looked about 14, gave me a gigantic paper towel to cover myself even more. What I needed was a blanket...FREEZING. The tech, said I was the 'coolest' person he'd had all day.

Good.

I will have ECHO's until the end of my life. I have done them since 2006. I had a life before my open heart surgery to replace my mitral valve. I do remember it. Before the daily meds, which includes Coumadin, where I have to check if my blood is too thin or too thick. The check is called my INR. My blood range must be between 2.5 and 3.5. I have my own little machine I can check my blood all by my lonesome. Vitamin K affects Coumadin. Who knew? I sure did not prior to 2006. I had a life before all of this. Before I had symptoms of a stroke which affected my speech and I wondered if I would ever be 'normal' again. After all this time, I sometimes have really short term memory issues--yet, I can tell you what happen what I did 45 years ago--well, maybe. :)

I did have a have a life before ECHOs and all this other stuff. Before it all became a major role my continue to have a life. I do smile at the memory of my past life and grateful I am able to smile about the future life I intend to have.

ECHO heard is from me as I shout from the mountain top I know where my strength does come from.

Realize

I can't stay up til 11:30 PM every night
And think I am able to function
Well the next day at work--
I ain't 20 something anymore when I'd go to
Work the next day, with still a buzz in my head
And on about 2 hours of sleep
So I realize the answer is
Naw. Can't do it.
Need rest.
Can't scrimp on it.
Got that message when I had that
Pesky open heart surgery for
My mitral valve replacement a few years back
Yea, fatigue sets in I know it.
Feel like lead. Heavy eyelids sting.
Today, I did make it thru. Not as well as yesterday
When I got a great night's sleep.
So my goal: to push my bedtime back an hour
It had been before.
Let Mr. Sandman, especially if he looks like Denzel
Do his thing-
While the cat chomps my fingers--again.
Realize, I wouldn't want it any other way!

5 Years Ago Today

The last words I heard were "Put her out."

My chest was cracked open.

Machines pumped life thru ny body as I slept

My heart had to be stopped and

"Readjusted" so the surgeon could go behind and inside it

To replace my mitral valve, which I never knew existed until 2 weeks prior...

Work was done and heart jumpstarted

In recovery, I woke up sooner than expected-

Imagine that

They had to hunt down the surgeon to

OK the tube removed from my throat

In ICU, I was shot up with painkillers

Doozed in/out, mainly out

As "American Idol" was played on TV

Open-heart surgery 5 years ago today-

Will never stop talking about it

Death was the alternative

He had other plans.

4 days later the doctor said I could go home.

On this day, in 2011, I marvel at the

Birds in my yard and new blooms

Simple things. Great things.

5 years ago, I wondered how

Different my life would be

....and I am still in discovery-

I am blessed.

Wednesday With Coumadin

Yep, I take the stuff. Have been since March 2006. Do I want to? If I had my choice-

Of course NOT!

Today I had a POKE--which is what I call my Protime/INR test. Basically a drop of blood is put on strip and run thru this little machine. Pretty like the one folks use to check their sugar. I get these POKE's at the most twice a month, usually just once. My blood range needs to be between 2.5 and 3.5--not too thin, not too thick--to prevent clots around my mechanical mitral valve.

So I sit, waiting for my name to be called. Once again, I realize I'm one of the three youngest people in the lobby. I sit by another POKE person. We both get involved with a cooking show on the Food Network--then I strike up a chat, because red peppers are being used.

OK, this other POKE person began to complain how Coumadin was rat poison (yes, it was used for rat poison once upon a time--I think in China or somewhere), how it's the bane of her existence, and how she takes more than me--then I tried to explain how Vitamin K affects Coumadin (I won't bore you with how--unless you ask) and she looked at me like was I was nuts. Then she made a comment about our President--and he was nowhere, nor was he on the cooking show we watched--then she went on to start cussing-and I tried to be calm and thought, "Well, there are a dozen doctors here if I punch her..." Then they called my name.

The young lady, Holly, who administered my POKE, says that lady is not very nice. And when Holly told me she saw my name, she came to get me, eventho the other POKE was before me. Holly says the lady has had to be restrained because she spewed racist comments about Hispanics and just got loud. None of the girls like her. Holly says she knows she made the other girls mad by taking me first--but oh well.

After all that, I was in my range. I don't get POKED again for another month. The only side effect I've really had because of the Coumadin, is fatigue--and if I'm real tired, I get a little loopy. Yet, that's usually at night--like now--and I just rest. I've learned to listen to my body.

Speaking of listening to my body: did I tell you if it's quiet and you're close enough to me--you can hear me tick? It's the opening and closing of my mechanical valve.

Coumadin may have been used to kills rats, yet its little orange pills (and this orange kitty) keep me tickin'..literally.

..and I like it like that.

Heart and Humidity.

Since my little open-heart surgery adventure, back in March '06, I've learned to listen more to my body. My body's reactions, I usta pretty much ignore. Learned how to adjust, unless the culprit is humidity when the heat is high. Like today.

Summer tries to slap us upside the head, just a few more times, until October comes round the bend. This morning, when I left for work at 7:30, the temp was already 80 degrees F and the humidity was 88 %. Muggy with a capital UGG.

I felt it. Bad. It doesn't happen that often, yet when it does, I do panic. Smacks me upside the head. I wonder if my breath will be short. Will I pass out? I didn't have to walk far from the parking lot to my job, once I arrived. I'm glad because I felt it all the way. Don't like that feeling.

Yea, my scar itches sometimes, however it's the high humidity like today, when I'm reminded I did get my chest cracked open and a machine pumped blood and oxygen into me to keep me alive while surgeons worked on me. Oh, and and for my mitral valve replacement surgery, they had to readjust my heart so they could go behind it and inside my heart to fix me. Adventure, indeed.

So this morning I recalled it all. Now when I left work today, the temp was up in the 90's, heat index over 100, yet the humidity is at 52%. Not as hard as this morning's smack upside the head, just a little thump.

You realize how far you've come and with a wave from Mother Nature, you realize how fragile you really are. So you seek a remedy:

Trust me.
It works.

March 24, 2006 was Friday

On this day, in 2006, after 25 days I was finally released from the Hospital.

My souvenir of the said adventure was the scar on my chest. This was due to my little open heart surgery to replace my mitral valve with a mechanical one. And at the time there was a golf ball size bump at the top of my incisions, which eventually went down. I hadn't washed my hair in 3 weeks.

Before Movie Man came to get me, my Infectious Disease stopped in and said, "So this is what you look like in real clothes!" We both chuckled. Then when Movie Man came in, he was surprised how much thinner I was. Me too really. We were both glad I was out of the faded hospital gown. With Movie Man's carrying my stuff, a nurse wheel chaired me out of the walls I'd known for 25 days to Movie Man's truck.

That Friday was dreary and chilly. Yet, in my mind the sun's shine was everywhere! In Movie Man's truck, I sat in mostly silence. Just stared out the window. I realized I could have died 25 days ago.

Yes, the sun''s shine was there. .

Fast forward to this day in 2010. The kitty posted here who snoozes right by the monitor as I type this?

He ran so fast down the steps and meowed so loud, this day in 2006, when I called his name as I stepped inside my cluttered apartment. He jumped on the arm of the couch and head bonked me with meows so loud they rivaled the size of my tears.

I could have died.

I didn't.

Yes, the sun does indeed shine.

I am blessed.

March 13, 2006 was Monday

And on this day in 2006, it was Open Heart Surgery for Mitral Valve Repair/Replacement Eve. Yes, the last night I would ever NOT have a scar on my chest, a keloid one at that. or pop six pills a day or realize some of my hair fell out or hear my own self tick when all is quiet or have EKG and PT/INR mean more to me than just letters for Scrabble.

That Monday night I walked my last visitor, of the day, Movie Man to the hospital elevator. He had stayed past visiting hours, which was common. Tears were in his eyes. I tried to smile and told Movie Man everything would be alright. As I watched the elevator doors close on Movie Man's wet eyes it signaled it was almost here. I turned and walked alone back to my room. Even with my trust in God, I wondered if He would just let sleep tomorrow and call me Home.

Fast forward to this day in 2010. WEDDING! Not mine. Heck, I'll be 100 before THAT happens. Nope, my chum who I baked the peach pie for her bridal shower, a couple Saturdays ago, got married. It's a bet overwhelming. I've had other friends marry, yet this one...hit me hard. I'm not old enough to be her mother, will--I coulda been, if I'd been active at a real younger age. There's a 14 year age difference between us. I've told her, when she was born, her family celebrated in her birth, while my family, just a 6 days later cried at the death of my mom. So maybe one is to live while another dies. I've seen my chum grow up, from a brat, when we could not stand each other, to this intelligent, business and independent woman. She really is like my baby sister, and we started our spiritual journey about the same time, so we grew in Christ. That was good.

When I arrived at the church, after overshooting the parking garage, the groom's mom (we bonded at the bridal shower) took me up to see the bride. My chum and both started to tear up as I told her how proud and beautiful she was and then she blubbers, "You're crying, I've never seen you cry!" We both laughed. It was a nice moment, and later at the reception one of her sister's showed me the picture she took of the two of us at that moment. Nice day, nice day indeed.

Now, if you will excuse I got me some left over wedding cake to snarf down and a Lifetime movie to watch.

I am blessed.

March 8, 2006 was Wednesday

On this day in 2006, a doctor, who would definitely not be confused with any Doctor McDreamy from Gray's Anatomy, bounced into hospital room and blurted, "I've got good news for you! You're surgery is Monday!"

I looked at him and asked, "What's the good news in that?"

He looked at me as if I'd lost my mind. The good doctor explained the surgery would get me fixed up and out of there. With that he exited, as I sat there to digest his words. Yet, he was back in less than 5 minutes.

Turns out there were too many surgeries on Monday, so I was pushed back until Tuesday. And with that, the doctor left again. I sat there. Wished he'd come back and tell me all this was just a big joke. How my eight days (and counting) in the hospital was just a way to keep me away from sampling all the Blue Bell Ice Cream in Dallas....

Alas not to be. So, now I had six days to ponder my date with a scalpel and whatever would be needed for my open heart surgery to repair or replace my mitral valve. A valve I didn't even know existed until a week before.

That's what I get for not paying enough attention in my 6th Grade Life Science class...:)

Fast forward to 2010. Gotta paper that must sparkle for my college instructor, then I'll pet a cat or two, munch a salad topped with Roasted Red Pepper Vinaigrette dressing (YUM!) and then off to my church, Inspiring Body of Christ Church, to help celebrate Pastor Rickie Rush's 50th birthday and count down to my own birthday in 31 days...

I am blessed.

Friday and Robin Williams

Robin Williams appeared on Letterman the other night. First public appearance since his open heart surgery. Robin had his aorta valve replaced and mitral valve repaired. So we have our mitral valves in common--sorta. Mine was replaced--still--simpatico. Robin spoke of the blood thinner he now takes to prevent clots around the mechanical valve especially. Robin pops the generic of the brand name I take. Wow--Mork from Ork and I more simpatico! Which is great, because I may have been the only one that liked Robin in Moscow on the Hudson! Anyway, Robin looked great--even showed his scar. Mine should look that good! :) So when I pop my Coumadin, I'll think how Robin has to pop his warafin and get his blood checked--just like me. Simpatico--that's what we are!

Outside of that it's Friday.

Nuf said.

Enjoy!

Just So

Been asked why I don't just write a blog with just one theme and leave it alone.

Like why do I have to jump to:

John Madden who announced his retirement from the NFL broadcast booth? WOW. When has John Madden NOT been in the spotlight? I met him just shortly after I moved to Dallas, in 1988. I worked as a charter travel consultant for Greyhound then and John's bus (he refused to fly) was a custom made Greyhound bus. He'd come to chat with us employees for a few minutes. What a HUGE man! When John Madden shook my hand, I told how I always cheered for the Kansas City Chiefs --what still seemed like a giant rival then of his Oakland Raiders--John flashed a smile. "You rooted for THOSE guys?" We laughed. It may have been time for John Madden to hang up the mike--he is 73, yet I'll miss him. He's earned this 1st down and goal to go.

Or then I why would jump over to American Idol? Hmm. The judges used their one save of the season last night for Matt Giraud. He won't win, yet seems like a nice kid. Next week the Idols do disco--which I LOVED. No joke. My boyfriend and I made sure our outfits matched on Saturday Nights. He thought he was the black John Saturday Night Fever Travolta. I thought I was hot in my Candies or my 4 inch black heels. To me, disco, was the best dance music EVER.

Then why I might jump to I wish folks would leave President Barack Obama alone? He inherited the issues we have today. He's not quite Moses. Being so scrutinized -because he is the first Black Man to hold the highest office in the land. I STILL get chills. Sometimes, tho, I do wish his two terms were all ready done, and the second Black person was about to take office. By then not so much scrutiny--because they are the second...but if it's a woman....WELL! But President Obama did get his girls a dog.

Or I why I don't just just talk about my diet, my heart surgery, fiction writing, my hair or the sinkful of dishes? Sure, I could stick to just one theme and let that be it.

Why?

Why not?

I figure my life is my theme. Share thoughts from all of life's volumes. Variety. One thing can bloom into a bouquet.

Just so how I like it.

Easter Rise

Grand Easter Service spent at Inspiring Body of Christ Church, with Pastor Rickie Rush, who spoke how we should not let a stone cover our grave. Basically, the stone was moved away from the tomb of Jesus and He was not there. In our lives, the stone is the devil who tries his best to not let you move. To not let you rise up. The devil tries to make you feel hopeless, helpless and isolated from your support.

The sermon hit me. It was how I felt pretty much this past entire week--a week I had off. To enjoy and celebrate my birthday. I did have a good time--yet, something hung over my head the entire time. My time wasn't like I wanted it to be. Due the stone that was over me. The stone I didn't push hard enough to move. As Pastor Rush said, the more the anointing the more the attack.

I understand that NOW. The devil doesn't want us to succeed at what we're called to do. Some times I think I've let God just to to voice mail. That needs to stop. Be thankful with what He brought me through--even if this week. He was with me all the time. Because of Him I am here. Because of Him I can go on.

This Easter Sunday was also an anniversary of sorts. On Easter Sunday 2003, I stepped foot in a church for the first time other than a child to recite a verse or a fan to hear the Osmonds bear their testimony, or even somebody's wedding. I went to church that day because I wanted to. Needed to fill a void in my heart. At my wit's end professionally and still mourned the death of my dad.

Easter Sunday 2006, was my first time back at church after my mitral valve replacement surgery. I'd just gotten the OK to drive a couple days before. Been away for almost two months. He had been in my house, to get me well, then it was my turn to go to His house. It was Resurrection Sunday-for both of us.

And today. The message Pastor Rush delivered touched me. Hit all the way home. I've been called to use the gifts God gave me. No more voice mail. I will listen to message first hand and not run. I'm destined. We all are. Do what you know you should do.

I am blessed.

Star Thursday Thought

Watched the Oprah episode about weight loss, with Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond and Star Jones. Granted, Star Jones was a story everybody wanted to hear yet, knowing about Valerie and Marie for years, I would have liked them to have more time.

I digress.

Back to Star. I'm still not as big of an admirer as I first was, however I liked her more after watching her this time, than I did--say, on Larry King after she left The View. I pretty much quit watching The View because of her. Tired of the wedding stuff, etc. But today, was different.

Star's talk of not letting anybody know she had gastric bypass. How she wasn't strong enough to face her fears. Possibly disappointing people. All that reminded me of me and my open-heart surgery. Not everybody knew what was wrong with me to be in the hospital. In fact, when I went back to work, some folks thought I had gastric bypass because I'd lost so much weight (and since gained half of it back--drat!) Some of the folks I grew up, with didn't know. I also realized, like Star said about her The View comrades, how much of a burden she put on them to keep her confidence.

And I did that to Movie Man. I didn't realize how much burden was on him. I'm forever sorry for that. And I've told him so. Didn't give him as much thought for what he felt, as I should have as IV's were pumped into my veins. Heaven knows I had enough time on my hands. Co-workers knew we were close, so he would know the truth. I was being selfish. I wanted to be the one to tell them my illness, plus I didn't want a lot of 'there, there' around me.

Yes, indeed, you WANT folks to be there for you. They're scared--maybe more than you realize. In fact one of my closest chums told me recently how she thought she would lose me. I never knew. Sometimes though, the visitors can tire you out when you need rest. I'm blessed for everyone--they were there in a shade drawn moment of my life.

Back to my point, Star said she would disappoint folks if they found out. I wondered if I thought that. And I did. Not with the surgery--oh heck, that was a piece of cake. Nope. I was petrified, when I first went into the hospital and my speech was interrupted.

I'd had the stroke that wasn't a stroke from the piece of endocarditis broke off and traveled to my brain. My neurologist said it caused my brain to burp--but that was a few days after my speech cleared up. But before--oh man--I was devastated if I could not communicate as I once did. I was known for my speech, my mannerisms and now I was scared it would all be gone. I sat in that hospital and feared I would always be able to understand folks (and I could) but to reply would be slurred and/or I'd miss a word in a sentence.

For instance, the doc would say "have a nice day." And I would respond: "have a day." I'd hear them, but my brain wasn't quite there. During that time I thought I would not be good for much. What could I do if I couldn't talk? That's when I wasn't strong enough to tell others outside of my circle, because I wasn't the same. Their memories of me were fun lovin, do anything she wanted and hey, it's party because she's here. Without fluid speech, I felt, I would never measure up again.

To think that,-wow- I musta still lacked some brain cells.

Would I do some things differently? Yes. For one, my boss at the time, I would have let her be more open with my co-workers. Movie Man would have burden lifted off him. I didn't want folks to feel sorry for me. I tired for the look of 'is she going to keel over? (I still see that now) Or rush to my bedside. If things were worse, well yea. But they weren't.

I just wanted to get on with my life. Maybe that's what Star Jones wanted. To learn and get on with her new life.

Star says she grew spirituality. I second that emotion. My faith was tested. Did I have it or did I not?

When all was said and done, I realized my fear of fear itself and fear of disappointment was pointless. I knew where my strength came from.

And He didn't bring me this far to leave me.

Hope Star Jones gets that.

March 14, 2006 was Tuesday

I remember it well. Sorta.
The day of my open heart surgery to repair or replace my heart's mitral valve.
I was to be transported to the sister hospital where the heart surgeries were done.
The paramedics who were to do the transporting were an hour late.
The nurse to sign me in and get started in the prep was not happy.
Turns out the paramedics didn't start work until the hour they were suppose to pick me up.
I was just happy to get a dose of fresh air for the first time in almost two weeks.
Made it through the surgery unscathed.
In fact a nurse boasted how I tried to wake up faster than any one she'd ever seen.
Of course--I wanted OUT.
That night, my TV in ICU was on American Idol. I dozed off and on-mostly off.
Hooked up to every machine like from the Starship Enterprise.
The next morning around 7 am, a physical therapist told me I was going for a short walk.
Sure. Well, we did--with catheter and another jug hooked up to my belly to collect fluids.
My best friend announced my surgeon had said I'd probably have to stay 6-8 weeks.
Because of this 'stroke' which wasn't a stroke, per the neurologist, I had.
Don't think so. Surgery was Tuesday. By Saturday, I was asked how I felt about going home.
Don't to ask me again.
Fast forward to this day in 2009.
As Movie Man was there for me in 2006, he was there for me today.
Quite the adventure we had today--from morning til past sundown.
Rode the train to Ft Worth.

Laughed. Walked. Did a movie. Laughed more. Basked in the moments.
After dinner, back in Dallas, headed to his place to walk the dogs Movie Man's dog sitting for.
By this time it was dark. Couldn't see much.
To finish up the day Movie Man proved once again how he's a true friend.
He washed the dog poo off my shoe.
If not for my date with a surgeon 3 years ago, coupled with my trust in the One most High.
I would not have had today.
I am blessed.

March 13, 2006 was Monday

You remember it well.
Twas the eve of your open-heart surgery.
To repair or replace your heart's mitral valve.
You didn't even know such a thing existed.
Only until much blood, tests and x-rays were taken.
Even then your neurologist said, "There's nothing wrong with you. Why are you here?"
But there were lesions on your brain. Why?
Endocarditis.
A disease you never knew existed until that moment.
That's what you get for no grade "A" in 6th Grade Life Science.
Bored, yet eager to get on with it.
Had to wait 6 days til your date with the surgeon.
Sat in the hospital. Made friends with nurses and some doctors.
Chums call and visit. Flowers arrive.
The last person to see you this night was Movie Man.
He stayed until 9 pm or so.
You walk him to the elevator, your arm thru his.
Movie Man has on real clothes, while you in faded, hospital gowns.
Would pay ransom to have on real clothes and leave this place.
Tears and fright cloud Movie Man's eyes.
You smile to console and reassure him that
You'll see him soon.
A hug seals the deal and Movie Man gets on the elevator.
You tell him again that you'll be OK.
Your eyes lock as the doors close.
You stand still and wipe your own eyes.
Then turn and walk back to your room.
You repeat your mantra: Psalms 50:15
Promise to give Him all your troubles.
He will rescue you.
Just give Him the glory.
Tomorrow life will change
You are blessed.