I digress.
Back to Star. I'm still not as big of an admirer as I first was, however I liked her more after watching her this time, than I did--say, on Larry King after she left The View. I pretty much quit watching The View because of her. Tired of the wedding stuff, etc. But today, was different.
Star's talk of not letting anybody know she had gastric bypass. How she wasn't strong enough to face her fears. Possibly disappointing people. All that reminded me of me and my open-heart surgery. Not everybody knew what was wrong with me to be in the hospital. In fact, when I went back to work, some folks thought I had gastric bypass because I'd lost so much weight (and since gained half of it back--drat!) Some of the folks I grew up, with didn't know. I also realized, like Star said about her The View comrades, how much of a burden she put on them to keep her confidence.
And I did that to Movie Man. I didn't realize how much burden was on him. I'm forever sorry for that. And I've told him so. Didn't give him as much thought for what he felt, as I should have as IV's were pumped into my veins. Heaven knows I had enough time on my hands. Co-workers knew we were close, so he would know the truth. I was being selfish. I wanted to be the one to tell them my illness, plus I didn't want a lot of 'there, there' around me.
Yes, indeed, you WANT folks to be there for you. They're scared--maybe more than you realize. In fact one of my closest chums told me recently how she thought she would lose me. I never knew. Sometimes though, the visitors can tire you out when you need rest. I'm blessed for everyone--they were there in a shade drawn moment of my life.
Back to my point, Star said she would disappoint folks if they found out. I wondered if I thought that. And I did. Not with the surgery--oh heck, that was a piece of cake. Nope. I was petrified, when I first went into the hospital and my speech was interrupted.
I'd had the stroke that wasn't a stroke from the piece of endocarditis broke off and traveled to my brain. My neurologist said it caused my brain to burp--but that was a few days after my speech cleared up. But before--oh man--I was devastated if I could not communicate as I once did. I was known for my speech, my mannerisms and now I was scared it would all be gone. I sat in that hospital and feared I would always be able to understand folks (and I could) but to reply would be slurred and/or I'd miss a word in a sentence.
For instance, the doc would say "have a nice day." And I would respond: "have a day." I'd hear them, but my brain wasn't quite there. During that time I thought I would not be good for much. What could I do if I couldn't talk? That's when I wasn't strong enough to tell others outside of my circle, because I wasn't the same. Their memories of me were fun lovin, do anything she wanted and hey, it's party because she's here. Without fluid speech, I felt, I would never measure up again.
To think that,-wow- I musta still lacked some brain cells.
Would I do some things differently? Yes. For one, my boss at the time, I would have let her be more open with my co-workers. Movie Man would have burden lifted off him. I didn't want folks to feel sorry for me. I tired for the look of 'is she going to keel over? (I still see that now) Or rush to my bedside. If things were worse, well yea. But they weren't.
I just wanted to get on with my life. Maybe that's what Star Jones wanted. To learn and get on with her new life.
Star says she grew spirituality. I second that emotion. My faith was tested. Did I have it or did I not?
When all was said and done, I realized my fear of fear itself and fear of disappointment was pointless. I knew where my strength came from.
And He didn't bring me this far to leave me.
Hope Star Jones gets that.
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