Thoughts of Past Loves

The Holidays are pretty much right here.
Yep.

 Especially since three Christmas movies, in the last three days, between Lifetime and Hallmark, danced their sugar plum sweetness in front of my eyes.  I've pondered over a past love.

Well, I thought he was a past love.  

As time has marched on with twelve drummers drumming, I realize the guy-- no matter, how attracted I thought I was was to him, the guy really was a lump of coal in my stocking.  

I mean, when the two of us first met, the guy was still legally married to his wife.  Only found out  that, when he was married to his second wife. It is funny, because at one point he was serious about marriage to me. Since we both loved to write, he believe we could back to our Midwest roots, live like Bohemians on no money, and bask in the growth of cornfields out our front door.   

Some of the story IS true, however my dad's health was failing fast.  The guy knew how close I was to my dad.  He felt being close to my dad, even if we were dirt poor and watching corn grow would be good. Since I didn't know the guy was married (I had no reason too) I thought his heart was in the right place.

Of course, now,  I wonder how he would have pulled that off.  I thought more about this past love as I checked the Christmas movie guide.  The years passed and he says divorced has since happened with the second wife. I asked him why he wasn't honest about being married.

"It was how you interpreted it" he said.  Huh? Did I mention, we were in God's House, when I asked him?

As I chuckled, I told him to not say that.  Heck, he's the one the said he'd been married a year, six months in and six months to get out. I never saw evidence of a woman at his place. Never thought I needed to interrogate him. With five ladies pretty much dancing in his life, I told him he knew he was married and made a choice to not share that with me. 

The guy apologized. Was he sincere? Maybe. The lump of coal relationship had red flags all over it, yet I chose to deny their wave in the breeze.

Times have changed.  I thank God for clearing out my head.  And I also think Hallmark and Lifetime for having a pretty good Christmas movie line up this year. 

Pass the popcorn. 

A

Relationships Part II

Yep, I'm still on relationships. This short, yet sweet relationship with the male lead guy (MLG) has taken me for a loop. More so than I've ever thought it would. Well, in recent times anyway.

Of course, I'm selfish because I did want to hang with MLG more here in Dallas. And instead he caught the silver bird back East this morning. So many things I wanted to talk about. Questions I wanted to ask. I hadn't wanted to do such a chat in quite a while--perhaps because I'd lacked a grown man to chat with. Like I said, I knew men that were grown, yet to know a grown man mesmerized me. Anybody else feel like that?

Like I said, MLG lives his passion. Honestly, outside of the fact he's nice eye candy, living his passion is what got me most. And most angered me much about myself. Enough so I sat at my desk, and knowing MLG sat on the silver bird ready to take flight, to one place the make believe is made--I fought tears. OK, and I admit, we did text while he sat on the plane and quit as they readied to take-off.

See, I wanted to move to Manhattan, back in the day. Maybe even more so than LA. Nonetheless, I wanted to be where the city never slept, because I wouldn't either. I wanted to be part of where the make believe is made. Theatre, movies, film--if not in front, then behind. My words, my actions, even a back up dancer way, way way way way off (maybe Peoria) dancer on Broadway. It didn't matter. I wanted to be there.

Funny, my chums will tell you I was/am the risk taker of my posse--especially when I was growing up. My high school chums will tell you they expected the unexpected from me. However, I feel I didn't quite measure up, because I didn't do what I wanted to do. When I was in my one and only high school play,"The Music Man," I loved every second of rehearsal and then the performance. The roar of the crowd, the smell of the greasepaint. I LOVED it. Yet, when those lights dimmed so did I.

That why I had tears in my eyes today. MLG lives his passion-really more so, than any other chum who lives a life with their passion laced with it. MLG showed me how, in essence, I failed myself. Nobody else did it to me, but me.

Oh, now wait, this isn't a pity party. More of an epiphany. I do believe everything happens for a reason. God has always been there for me, yet back then--really until 2003, I didn't 'really get'--He was there. The knowing of MLG, enlarged all the opportunities God put out there for me, and I chose to not take them. I thought MY way was better. This also includes the relationships I've had. Lets says they all pretty much failed. Yet, I kept right at it. Forget God ever having a say, it had to be My way or no way.

Yes, I'm sad about what I've not done. I personally feel MLG, was an angel God sent to show me, front row and center, all things are possible through Him. Still possible thru Him.

Well, I may cry some more. I do realize it's more my grieving for a time lost which I will never get back. Grieving because I made such silly choices. At the same time, I cry eager tears of what can and will come.

Let me share this too. MLG had an hour lay over. We pretty much text'd the whole time...and yes, I was at work. Just call it multi-task. Anyway, we spoke of keeping in touch. He said 'generally speaking' outta site out of mind. I told him I don't really consider myself "general' and gosh, was he going to forget me THAT soon?

After all there's pie, coffee and catfish to do-I'm sure he laughed when he read that--so he says, just 'generally speaking'--and I informed him I didn't think he was so 'general' either. For that, he may have thought "her Aries is showing". The point of all that, the conversation kept going, I was myself without intimidation.

Will the communication keep going now that MLG's back in his stompin' grounds? I kinda doubt it. Yea, course, I'm selfish and want it. Although, I've thanked God for MLG many times already. It's what I needed. Craved, really. To have my eyes open by 15 minutes of fame, so to speak. So if we do communicate again, I'm dreaming BIG, here, it'll be frosting on a cup cake!

A shorter than shorter than I'm used to relationship, yet the memory will last a long, long time.

Have you had any relationships like that?

Sunday Short and Hot

Just jump right up on it: got my Praise ON today at MY church: Inspiring Body of Christ Church, with Pastor Rickie Rush. Even saw Bear for moment and received a belated hug before service-a surprised indeed. IBOC is a church I just knew I was never, ever gonna be a member of! Pastor Rush of blessings, being anointed, people drawn to you and how we must live by faith. There was so, SO much today. To realize God's Grace took care of me, when I couldn't even really take care of myself...and trust me, this so does explain alot!

All ready treated myself to a Cafe Vanilla Frappucino. Watermelon chills in the fridge. Cats snooze now 'cause bellies are full.

Just the right time to get a bit of house stuff done, plus with all the questions of "Are you still writing?" which happened again about an hour ago, I may just need to do some.

Stay tuned.

May 17, 1924 was Saturday

My dad was born this day-eighty--five years ago. I smile, because if Dad still walked this earth, he would be a crustier and most loving ol' buzzard there ever was and still make the BEST bar-b-q ribs and chicken anywhere! After hearing these words, Dad would chew on his King Edward cigar and utter "Mercy!" Dad always spoke of his wish to open up a bar-b-q place in our Iowa hometown. Too bad he didn't, Dad woulda been a HIT!

On our birthdays, Dad and I would send each other about a dozen cards. He'd display them all over the house. Was just a fun thing to do. Some chums thought I was crazy to send him so many. Yea, whatever.

I'd send him serious cards, and little girl to her Daddy cards, then just funny cards. He loved them all. When Dad passed in October 2001, I packed up as many cards as I found and brought them back to Dallas. What's funny is, Dad still possessed cards I gave him when I literally was a little girl. My printing of "Daddy" on the envelopes made me smile.

As I've gotten older (and Dad would get a kick out of me joining a senior rec center) and the years after Dad's passing, I've thought more and more about his life. I bet when Dad was young, he wondered if there would come a time he didn't have to take care of somebody. See, Dad's dad died when my dad was just 12. By that time, all the older siblings were up and out of the house, leaving Dad home with his mom, plus his youngest brother and sister. The two youngest never married, and lived in the small four room house they were born in, until they died. .

Dad had just retired when my aunt became ill, literally for the first time I remembered. Dad went to the hospital every day and sat with her. Until she was released. My aunt died at home in the arms of her brother. It seems almost over night, my uncle was hospitalized. Dad began the vigil all over again, until my uncle's death--eight months after my aunt. Dad never complained.

And of course, there was me. When Mom died, Dad had a 13 year old girl to be all the more responsible for. So I just always wondered how Dad felt. We had our hard moments. A man in his prime, now a single dad. I realize Dad the best he knew how.

Honestly, I have a lot of smiles. Dad spoiled me, especially when it came to men. Yep. My dad cleaned, cooked--I mean really cooked (I miss his fried cornbread and greens. Talk bout some good eatin!) iron my jeans and fold bed sheets so well, you thought they came out of the package! And when I was little, Dad was the best snowman maker in the world and the best slide go'er down'er helper! Oh, and did I mention, Dad liked cats? Because of ALL that, especially the cat part, I thought every man liked cats.

Wrong. Every man I've been nuts about is either allergic or just out and out hates em. Which of course, is another post!

If Dad were here today, I'd probably be back in Iowa to present him a cake with 85 candles. I'd make sure every one was lit too. Ha! I can hear him to tell me to hurry with the lighting before the house burns down. Then I'd help Dad blow em all out, because I'd tease him how he was some old man now. Dad would chew on that King Edward cigar one more time before he put it in an ashtray. Then we'd count to three and blow all 85 candles out and laugh. For those few moments time would take us back to his lift so I could reach high for the icicle and even higher through life. Until the days I held Dad's hand, while he lie blind in the hospital. I knew then our earth life together ticked away. As I held Dad's hand, I asked God for even a teaspoon of the strength my dad always had. I think God gave me a tablespoon.

Happy Birthday Daddy! I am still your prettiest girl that loves you and smiles because your spirit dances in this house. I still want to make you proud that I'm Don's Girl.

I am blessed.

So You Try

To be patient. Ain't your best characteristic. You're grateful to have a job, yet not the job you want to be grateful for. One of your buds, Bucket (who has been your computer guy for anything you've asked him and says he wonders if you'll invite him to Burger Island again) leaves a week from Friday. And you think another chum, Movie Man may follow suit. Now you know Movie Man reads this blog and he will say, "You don't know that." Let's just cut to the chase, yes you do.

Back to the matter at hand. So what about you? You think of the positives. How you are truly blessed. How He got you up this morning. How He got you through this day. You remember how He said he would rescue you as long as you promised to give Him all your troubles. And all you had to do was give Him glory (That's from Psalms 50:15 if you thought it sounded familiar).

Yet you still wonder, "When is it my time?"

When He says it is.

Patience.

Monday...

Yes. Rejoice in the day the Lord has made. With Grace I awoke this morning.

However, it is still Monday.

All this is temporary.

Really need to write and pray for guidance on the public speaking. I feel God taps His foot while He gazes at me, asking, "What more do you think I need to show you, when I've showed you enough?"

Rejoice.