Of course, I'm selfish because I did want to hang with MLG more here in Dallas. And instead he caught the silver bird back East this morning. So many things I wanted to talk about. Questions I wanted to ask. I hadn't wanted to do such a chat in quite a while--perhaps because I'd lacked a grown man to chat with. Like I said, I knew men that were grown, yet to know a grown man mesmerized me. Anybody else feel like that?
Like I said, MLG lives his passion. Honestly, outside of the fact he's nice eye candy, living his passion is what got me most. And most angered me much about myself. Enough so I sat at my desk, and knowing MLG sat on the silver bird ready to take flight, to one place the make believe is made--I fought tears. OK, and I admit, we did text while he sat on the plane and quit as they readied to take-off.
See, I wanted to move to Manhattan, back in the day. Maybe even more so than LA. Nonetheless, I wanted to be where the city never slept, because I wouldn't either. I wanted to be part of where the make believe is made. Theatre, movies, film--if not in front, then behind. My words, my actions, even a back up dancer way, way way way way off (maybe Peoria) dancer on Broadway. It didn't matter. I wanted to be there.
Funny, my chums will tell you I was/am the risk taker of my posse--especially when I was growing up. My high school chums will tell you they expected the unexpected from me. However, I feel I didn't quite measure up, because I didn't do what I wanted to do. When I was in my one and only high school play,"The Music Man," I loved every second of rehearsal and then the performance. The roar of the crowd, the smell of the greasepaint. I LOVED it. Yet, when those lights dimmed so did I.
That why I had tears in my eyes today. MLG lives his passion-really more so, than any other chum who lives a life with their passion laced with it. MLG showed me how, in essence, I failed myself. Nobody else did it to me, but me.
Oh, now wait, this isn't a pity party. More of an epiphany. I do believe everything happens for a reason. God has always been there for me, yet back then--really until 2003, I didn't 'really get'--He was there. The knowing of MLG, enlarged all the opportunities God put out there for me, and I chose to not take them. I thought MY way was better. This also includes the relationships I've had. Lets says they all pretty much failed. Yet, I kept right at it. Forget God ever having a say, it had to be My way or no way.
Yes, I'm sad about what I've not done. I personally feel MLG, was an angel God sent to show me, front row and center, all things are possible through Him. Still possible thru Him.
Well, I may cry some more. I do realize it's more my grieving for a time lost which I will never get back. Grieving because I made such silly choices. At the same time, I cry eager tears of what can and will come.
Let me share this too. MLG had an hour lay over. We pretty much text'd the whole time...and yes, I was at work. Just call it multi-task. Anyway, we spoke of keeping in touch. He said 'generally speaking' outta site out of mind. I told him I don't really consider myself "general' and gosh, was he going to forget me THAT soon?
After all there's pie, coffee and catfish to do-I'm sure he laughed when he read that--so he says, just 'generally speaking'--and I informed him I didn't think he was so 'general' either. For that, he may have thought "her Aries is showing". The point of all that, the conversation kept going, I was myself without intimidation.
Will the communication keep going now that MLG's back in his stompin' grounds? I kinda doubt it. Yea, course, I'm selfish and want it. Although, I've thanked God for MLG many times already. It's what I needed. Craved, really. To have my eyes open by 15 minutes of fame, so to speak. So if we do communicate again, I'm dreaming BIG, here, it'll be frosting on a cup cake!
A shorter than shorter than I'm used to relationship, yet the memory will last a long, long time.
Have you had any relationships like that?